john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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