That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
