so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
