i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
