This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
