She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize