i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
