according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
