My friends, they love my intelligence
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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