I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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