I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
