He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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