I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
