i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she peed on how many people?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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