My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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