everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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