I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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