Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
