My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
