Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize