I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
