i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
