Screwed.edu
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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