You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
