Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
