I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
