I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
