The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
