i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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