My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
