fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
