My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So. Much. Porn.
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