i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
