yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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