Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
