It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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