eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
