Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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