he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
