you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
