Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i out mim tonsoeep
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