I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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