The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
