Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
