If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
