i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
