My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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