I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
