I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just cut my nipple shaving
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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