My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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