he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
