I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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