you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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