Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm like, not good at living.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
