remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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