i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
