:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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