I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
