and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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