Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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