I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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