i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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