She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
